Sunday, July 11, 2010

The slick adventures of the Petroleum Jelly bandit.

And so he set off on an indefinite spree.  Cashing in on paybacks, his intention was to get back for the senseless assaults cast upon matter how long it took, or how long it went on......

As all good fables begin, so to will this begin with: 'Once upon a time'.  There was a man.  He was a boy.  He was a young man...trying to be a man, yet caught up in his boyhood like antics and tomfoolery.  He meant no harm, but would continually set out to play games and pranks on the people around him.  No care, no respect, no thought to how he made these people feel.  For why, he knew not.  Much less doubtful that "why?" ever even crossed his mind.  As a child he was probably exploited, picked on, a target himself....and for this he would make it his personal duty to wreak havoc on all whom he had access.  On all whom he knew he could have the upper hand on.  For the most part it was much like being in grade school again when he was around.  Your cocky buddy who would taunt and propel you.  But all fun has it's limits.  A concept this young man was yet to fully comprehend.

From small acts like spraying his co-workers with water while washing the company vehicle, and everything in between to the obnoxious  bite of a punch in your arm for attention, he was always essentially a little dick to people!  His actions mean, and his words sometimes bitter.  He was mean as a snake!  He never was one to give much thought to his actions, really.  He had a job as the grounds keeper and On Site Manager of a lodge.  A job laden with responsibility, to much time he would lay lax to.  Although liked by most of his friends and co workers, he carried a reputation as a slacker and a bit of a jackass, to which all who were around him would observe and comment.  Even the owners themselves were onto him.  All who were around him were very aware of his reputation, and they were very cautious to say the least.

Enter the man who would inadvertently become the latest unsuspecting target of this young mans silly and senseless shenanigans.  A guest to the weekly cookout dinner offered for all of the paying clients of the lodge each week.  A guest who frequented the weekly event every summer.  The husband of the Operations Manager of this lodge.  The Operations Manager who was the boss in charge of this young man struggling to be taken seriously in a world which he claimed as his own personal 'big top'.  The dinner which would begin a downward spiral in the safety and familiarity of this carefree little prankster and his comfortable surroundings.

The Petroleum Jelly bandit was a good man.  Meek and mild in his manners.  A professional with diplomacy in handling all affairs.  Doing deeds of kindness and caring for most people around him, the Petroleum Jelly bandit had a firm belief in life.  Simply put, "do unto others as you want them to do to you".  "Don't start none there wont be none".  "Don't step in something you cain't wipe off".  "Keep to yourself and let others do as they do".  But these beliefs would be tested this night.  They would be put through the gauntlet.  You see, the Petroleum Jelly bandit was not always the mild mannered logical thinking man that he is now.  In fact, until this night he was anything but the Petroleum Jelly bandit.  In times forgot, he was a rebel, a loner....the keeper of light for those who could not see.  He fought the good fight for those who had the disadvantage.  His past had seen plenty of action.  He walked softly yet carried a big stick....and he used it to!  Well rehearsed in holding his own in the face of adversity, this night this man of honer would be tested, by a young man who had none.

Minding his own business as he usually did, the honorable man enjoyed his delicious cookout meal.  He looked forward to this every week in fact.  Savoring the Halibut Olympia on his plate, his peripheral caught a foreign object, airborne, heading towards the lateral extension of his right eating utensil.  Thinking quickly, he adjusted the angle of the fork full of Halibut Olympia, just in time to avoid the flying mass landing in his food.  Now, deflected and still in mid flight, this foreign object was mobilized and headed for this mans shoulder.  As the man looked down on his shirt, he saw what equated to an insult.  A slap in his otherwise calmed face.  An attempted assault on his plate of food.  Someone flicked a piece of table scrap at him.  The man looked up to see the snickering grin of this little trickster across from him.

For a moment, his senses shut down.  All at once he flashed back to the school lunch room.  To the sounds of his 4th grade friends frolicking and laughing as they ate their lunches, flicking food at unsuspecting kids around them.  The man saw things that he had put away for a very long time.  Things that had scarred him as a child.  As he came out of this surreal and distant state, he heard only the laughter of his attacker, and the surrounding voices of those at the table making silent comments about what he had just done.  The one voice that stood out to this man, the one voice that brought this man out of his stuttered state of disbelief and shock was that of his wife.  Slow and almost drawn out, as if the speed of a tape reel had been cut in half, he heard the slowly muttered words escape his wife's mouth ".....oh, you are going to get it now....".  And so, from this single act, from this unprovoked attack on this mans plate of food, life would never be the same for this young man, this little trickster who found such entertainment on everyone else's expense.  For the young man who thought he was funny, life was about to forever change.

Scanning the isle in Safeway, the man searched diligently for the one thing he felt would avenge him from the actions of the trickster at the table the night before.  He was quick and nonchalant , hoping that  Doug, who was posted at his work station in the pharmacy, would not see him purchasing this item.  The product that would find him relief in his frustration.  The product that carries an awkward reputation.  It is a wonder what the cashier thought when he placed a jar of Vaseline and a muffin from the bakery on the conveyor belt?!

Many people can't really say for sure what Petroleum Jelly or Vaseline really is used for!  Nobody really knows for sure what it is.  It has association in this mans mind with fence posts and such, and acts of injustice to dark places which no one speaks of.  But it is the main staple for this mans revenge....and a fence post will have nothing to do with it's use.  Now in his truck, with a new large container of Vaseline, the Petroleum Jelly bandit sets off to seek the vindication he so desires.  He sets off to begin his campaign of revenge for the foolish act cast upon him the night before at the dinner table.

That night, with swift resolve and pointed determination, the Petroleum Jelly bandit makes his strike directly in the heart of his aggressor.  He attacks the young mans sanctuary, his home base.  His trailer.  Totally undetected, the Petroleum Jelly bandit slips quietly into what is known as 'Trailer Acres', the lodges trailer facility for on-site staff.  The facility that houses the young pranksters summer home.  The young mans trailer otherwise known as 'the hole'.  And he strikes.  Quick, hard and with complete stealth, the Petroleum Jelly bandit leaves his mark.  The mark which will surely make the little dick think twice.  And as quick as he moves in.... he is gone without a trace.  The Petroleum Jelly bandit has struck his first blow!

The young man walked into the office almost forlorn.  With a look of disbelief he begins to tell the story to his boss, the Operations Manager, and to the office receptionist.  Apparently after returning from a fishing trip, he was going into his trailer and as he slipped his fingers into the door pull, he retracted with sheer panic and angst.  Someone had put "some kind of yucky stuff" inside the door pull!!  And then if that wasn't enough, he discovered, somewhat in the same fashion as the door pull, that someone had smeared the same "yucky stuff"on the backside of the the hand support used to pull up off of the trailer step!!  He just couldn't understand who did this to him, he stated to them both.  None of his friends would come all the way out there to do this kind of thing to him.  Both girls were oblivious and unaware that the Petroleum Jelly bandit even existed, much less had struck with his slickery justice, and could offer no suggestions and comfort to the confused and frustrated young man.  The little trickster had been tricked!

A similar attack would take place the following week from the Petroleum Jelly bandit, as once again he would inadvertently find himself victim of the little mans hijinks's.  This time being a cold stream of water poured slowly over his head as he sat, again, minding his own business at that weeks cookout!  This young naive and foolish man doesn't learn easily.  The response was once again the smearing of Petroleum Jelly on the door holds of the little dicks trailer door!  This second attack went without comment to anyone from the little man. Only a look of disdain and grief over who could be doing this to him?!  Days later...

....Nobody knows for sure how it went down.  It became known the next morning as he came into the office with a pouting grimace upon his head.  Apparently the Petroleum Jelly bandit had once again struck the night before.  This time the bandit lay attack on the young mans rig.  After picking up one of the lodge owners from the airport and bringing him to the lodge for his two week stay, the young man got into his Ford Explorer to leave for the night.  A Saturday night out to his friends.  A rainy Saturday night...and the Petroleum Jelly bandit must have known it was raining.  As the young man went to open his truck door....aghast!  His fingers slipped off of the door pull of his truck and the pull slapped back into position.  Once again this young man found his fingers cross contaminated with the 'yucky stuff' that was seeming to plague his life as of late!  Apparently shortly after cleaning off his door pull, feeling a bit defeated I imagine, he climbed into his truck on this rainy night.  As he started his truck he began to pull out of his space in front of his trailer, in the rain.  Sometime shortly after, he turned on his windshield wipers, in the rain.  I am not sure personally what happens, in the rain, when someone turns on their windshield wipers in which the rubber blades have been smeared with Vaseline....  But apparently the young man had a first hand encounter with this plight, to which you could probably see the word "sucker" emblazoned across the poor saps forehead......and the Petroleum Jelly bandit knew this.  He knew where and how to strike this little trickster.  And the office receptionist got the chance to watch in delight the next morning in front of the office, as the little trickster spent only lord knows how much time trying to clean off his windshield, with no luck at getting the 'yucky stuff' off.   Apparently the Petroleum Jelly bandit not only got the front windshiled wipers, but also the back window wiper.  We are not sure yet if the little dick knows that all the other truck door handles got it also....but he will know soon enough.

You see, the kind and sweet receptionist enjoyed this moment to whcih she was laying witness to.  She too has fallen prey to this jackass a few times.  He sprayed her with water several times while she was doing her work on the grounds.  He duct taped her truck antenna.  You see, the Petroleum Jelly bandit knows better than most how much this young man is in need of a serious reality check.  He needs to develop the common knowledge that the Petroleum Jelly bandit lives by.  The creed he lives and breathes.  "Don't start none there won't be none".  "Leave people alone and they will leave you alone".  No, this young man chose to 'step on something he can't wipe off'!  The Petroleum Jelly bandit knows no bounds, and will show no mercy to this brand of trickery.  He will avenge the receptionist and every other innocent employee of the lodge.  he will continue to defend himself from such unwarranted attacks.

And so he set off on an indefinite spree.  Cashing in on paybacks, his intention was to get back for the senseless assaults cast upon matter how long it took, or how long it went on......  The Petroleum Jelly bandit lives infinately!  Stay tuned.....lessons not learned will yield stories to tell, and tales of woe to prevail unto those who choose trickery over common decency towards their fellow man!


The Boehme Family said...

Too funny! And no, Doug never mentioned seeing you purchase the goods.

Anonymous said...

Does the Petroleum Jelly bandit wear a one-size-too-small skintight costume with the Vaseline trademark label on his chest. That is a frightening vision!!!!! My guess is the little dickster will back off our new Superhero when he finds out who it is, but will continue with his sophmoric antics to others until something physical happens to him (possibly with petroleum jelly?). There's no need to fear......

Greg said...

Although there have been no new reported strikes from the Petroleum Jelly bandit since last post, first hand knowledge has it that the little 'dickster' (good name anonymous) discovered residual on "the rest of his truck latches". Apparently he watches behind his! As the old saying goes...."paybacks are a bitch"!