News From The Fire Line.

   This is a must see video.  I still have a raging woody after seeing this!

Not sure what's on his back....but he seems pretty happy about it!

Baptism!  The colorful term for those who get sprayed with fire retardant from the air tanker, for the first time!

When he is not on the line, they stand watch looking for spot fires and waiting to be called out.  Did I say 'stand watch'?  And they get paid for this!!

As you can see, the boy is in it up to his knees!  Apparently he has loved it so far and the best times have been on the lines.  He has gotten little time off and is currently in standby mode to be taken to any incidents that spring up either by helicopter or truck, whichever gets him and his team there sooner.  Currently they are in a mop up mode so he is thinking he will be back to the Division Base sometime through the week.  He has had some pretty cool stories what couple of times we have talked with him,, and it sounds like he is looking forward to the next scene!  He is definitely living his dream!  We taught him well.

"Fire On The Mountain"

It would be ironic, that as a kid, Johns favorite Grateful Dead song, being the son of two devout 'Deadheads', would be 'Fire On The Mountain'!  Who would have known that years later....

Have you ever been so excited, so pumped with anticipation...your adrenaline flooding your senses that you can't catch your breath to even talk?  This apparently has been a huge problem for John lately.  Going into his second week with the Alaska Division Of Forestry, the boy has called several times to convey unbelievable and utter joy in his new job and the tales which abound his days.  The conversation usually starts out as, "oh my God, I can't talk I am so excited....".  This was the case during his first call, back on Monday May 9th.  He was called out to a fire right off the bat and called to tell me...and believe me when I tell you... he was barely audible!  It sounded like some sound byte from an exorcism movie where the character is frantically
speaking in tongues as his head spins uncontrollably on his shoulders.  Turns out that it was just an abandoned campfire, and the caller made it sound like it was a raging wildfire.  Bummed, yes he was.  But it was priceless getting that phone call!  Since then he has had many minor calls, done numerous patrols, and has been spending time training at the Division base.  He told us today that he is actually taking college courses there at the Division, while getting paid.......as well as being trained and schooled on more important tasks on his rig itself such as pump to hose ratios, pressure ect.  The kid is stoked!  Keep in mind we haven't seen much of him much less heard from him, with the exception of those uncontrollable moments of incident euphoria, as he has been working straight through since his first day.  In fact he is working at least 4 to 5 hours of overtime daily. 

The whole meatheaded idea of taking time off to go to Cali was on his mind this week.  Maryann finally told him to just can the idea, buck up and get on.  Oh, sure, he was frustrated, but again, he is jeopardizing a dream that he has worked hard towards for many years.  It's best.  Anyways, that whole thing would have blown up on him had he acted on his emotions.

Today he got the 'one hour warning'!

We got another one of those calls from him this morning.  You know, one of the breathless "I can't talk I am so excited" calls.  His commander gave him a one hour notice that they were shipping him off to the fire line on a large fire that broke out Friday near Fairbanks, in the interior.

He was to say the least, beside himself!  Apparently he was originally not  a consideration because he was pushing so many days of work.  By law, they are not allowed to work more than 21 days straight.  So when the commander asked for 3 people, he was unfortunately out of the loop to which he was just devastated.  But then, they came back and said they needed a fourth person and when asked if he was interested, what would you think he would say?!  Funny, all of a sudden a vacation in California took the back seat quick!   It came down to an old fashioned coin toss between him and two other guys, and John won.  And guess who didn't have a bag with extra clothes and underwear to last him possibly a couple of weeks?  In typical John fashion, he never stopped to think they would be sending him that far off so soon into his stint.  Mom and dad relayed his clothes and such from Jennifer and shot out to get him his clothes before they headed out.  All said, he was in good spirits and eager to roll.  They were going to stay the night up in Glennallen tonight and then off to the lines tomorrow. 

Here is the incident link for those who want to follow his adventure:

InciWeb the Incident Information System: Moose Mountain

 

To the right of the page you can find "Recent Articles" that will update the situation.  As well, at the top of the page are other pertinent things like photos, maps and announcements.

How do his folks feel about this?

When she was hit with the news, Maryann got a little concerned.  Me, I was excited for him!  Sure, things could go wrong, but then look at your present situation and tell me which one of you couldn't find at least 5 things that could go terribly wrong in your immediate surroundings at any given time of day!  You can't learn to ride a horse if you don't get on it.  I have incredible faith that he will be fine.  He needs the training, experience,' and frankly, the 'head on, in your face' exposure to get a taste of what it is he has signed on for.  Like he told us today when we dropped off his bag, he is on a rig with 4 really cool guys who are seriously on top of what they do.  He is not worried at all.  These guys are brethren in what they are all trained to do.  Hang in there Grandma's and Grandpa....he is going to be fine.  Be proud of him and what he is doing!  He has a 'fire' under his ass and has "one speed, one gear...GO!"

On the home front, we will be hosting a special guest this summer starting June 4th.

Many years ago, at an anniversary party for my parents, my uncle Glen, or uncle Honey to those who know him best, gave a speech.  He said that as you get older, you start to learn that if you can count on one hand the number of close friends you have, you should consider yourself lucky.  As I have gotten up there in years since this speech, I now know exactly what he spoke of so many years ago.  This past summer, I was blessed enough to have one of those best friends I have known since high school and have kept in contact with through the years, Brad, come up to Alaska to spend some time on the peninsula.  Coincidentally, it was the first time in 11 years that I have seen him.  This winter he managed to get one of his nephews a job at the fish camp that Brad stayed at last summer.  I was honored when he asked me to keep contact with his nephew while he was here this summer so that he would feel like he had someone close while so far away from family.  The kid is a nephew of Brads and is as good as family to me!

So then, after talking to Brad a couple of times about his nephew staying out at the fish camp, he mentioned his other nephew who was devastated that his cousin was going to Alaska and not him!  Fortunately, Maryann was about ready to hire a position for the lodge to do grounds maintenance, processing and other important tasks equipped to keep the lodge running efficiently.  Hands down the planets aligned!  She found her hire and we decided that he could bunk here, downstairs in the 'Redneck Hilton' or for that matter out in the sauna....when your 18 and in Alaska for the summer, the sky is the limit!  With all of the daylight and things to do it is doubtful he will be spending much time indoors with the exception for some sleep here and there.  It is already affecting us severely.  With sunrise at 5:00AM and sunset at 11:00PM, we are begining to feel the ensuing signs of becoming 'amped' from too much vitamin D!

 The Arctic Terns  arrived a few weeks back and we believe, have a nest just outside the back door at the top of a spruce along the lake.  Our favorites, the Loons, also pulled onto the lake about the same time.  I just absolutely love these two.  They return every year and remain here until fall.  They are such beautiful and majestic fowl to me.  They just hang out on the lake and float about!  It is heavenly to wake up to their beautifully odd calls throughout the night.  I often wonder just what they are saying and what provoked it....  Then yesterday, Maryann's fav's, two Tundra swans, swooned in and have been here since.  As I write, I am looking out the window watching them nest for the night across the lake along the grassy shore.  Earlier, when the one would float off too far away for the others' comfort, it would bellow out a honk or two, which was reminiscent (for those of you who are old enough to remember how young you where with those cool bicycle horns) of a bike horn from back in the day!  It is just too wild!!  Yes, at 10:10PM with the sun still up, there is a menagerie of life on the lake tonight.  We are so blessed to be a part of this and to bear witness to Gods gift! 

The Young And The Restless

I often wonder.  Amazingly enough, I will always wonder.

The most intensely awesome thing that could ever happen to a parent, happened to us last week.  keep in the back of your head the time table of which I am reciting...it will help you to appreciate the sheer magnitude of this incredible chain of events.  We have always believed and preached to our son that it is not always "what you know", but often times "who you know" that helps you to progress in the way of finding a job.  He has bared witness to this a few times through his so far young life.  Keep in mind, the follow up to that factoid is that you do have to network and make yourself known in order to 'get in' on any position or to open doors.  This would be the same conversation we would have with him many times in the past couple of years regarding his many attempts to get on with the Alaska Division Of Forestry.  He has been ramped and ready both mentally and physically, has done his minimum training requirements yearly to be ready in a minutes notice.  Just my opinion; the one thing he has lacked, is the effort of making an impressionable presence at the main station.  He has laid the initial groundwork at the start of fire season each year, which for us begins to gear up April, for the severest period of May/June.  After being dormant and covered with ice and snow for 8 months, everything is dry and dead after the melt off, coupled with no significant rain in these few months it is usually a tinder dry time of year.  Anyways, he seems to fail to do those so important follow-ups, and showing his face so the right people get to know him.  This year seemed to start no different.  Except for two things which occurred rather quickly and sequential.

The "come to Jesus" meeting that we had with him in the kitchen several weeks back seemed to ignite something within him.  You could see it in his eyes.  You know, that look which indicates that after so many years of 'the light is on but nobody is home' scenario finally may show that 'somebody finally showed up to the lit house'!  I think it was literally like a couple days after this that Maryann asked the pertinent question to a vendor they use at the lodge, who works at the air tanker base for the Division Of Forestry, one afternoon when he walked in the office.  Simply, "how does someone get their foot in the door at the Forestry Department?"  His reply, simply, "you have to know someone".  No....ya think?  When John heard the replay of this conversation with his mom and the this other fellow, I believe that we were vindicated, as he finally saw that we didn't just fall off of the turnip truck!  We may well actually know what we are talking about all these years!!

Without skipping a beat, the boy put the prior "come to Jesus meeting" with us the other day and this newest development into immediate play.  The next day he was showing his face at the main station and making it known that he wanted in.  This coupled with the prompt recommendation to the right people, by Maryann's friend, put John in the spotlight.   A week later, when John showed up at the station, he got the chance to talk with one of the key players in operations there.  This guy introduced John to the other key figure who commented that he knew who John was because he had been in, almost everyday, bugging him for a job throughout that week!  There is that 'impression' I spoke of.  Bug them until they pay attention to you!  In that conversation with these two guys, John made humor to the subject and stated that he was ready to bring in donuts for the guys at the station everyday if that would get his foot in the door.  The guy looked at John and said, "No, don't.  We are firefighters, not cops" to which they all got a chuckle.  Yes, he pulled it off....he was in!

Two days later, this past Monday, John began his first day.  His dream for so many years, his desire to get on with the Forestry Division was coming about full face.  I have to tell you, the first day on the job, he called me about 10:00AM, just an hour after arriving for his first day at the station and was completely beside himself with utter excitement.  I don't recall such vigor and fervor in as many years as I could remember.  He was hardly audible as he described his first hour gearing up to go out for the day and patrol on the rig.  And coincidentally, every day after the first that he would talk to Maryann or myself, he glistened with the same vivacity!  He has been on many incidents so far and has become quite the little front man on his crew.  He earned himself the nickname, "the bull" by his Incident Commander and has really pulled his weight and shown his worth.  In fact, with most of the week being in a Red Flag Warning, he has put in almost a weeks worth of overtime just in the one week he has been working, so he is anticipating a nice phat paycheck.

Have you been paying attention to the time line, as I suggested earlier?

So, this past Friday, he comes out of the woodwork and tells Maryann that he really wants to go to California in two weeks to see his cousin graduate high school.  WTF!?!  As to not offend, I do understand the precept of such a desire, and feel personally that indeed this is a most important event, and I would typically emphasize the importance of of attending such a family oriented event.  However...WTF!?!

So, in summary, after years of dreaming, years of doing the best he could to achieve his goal, getting his foot in the door by the whole 'not what you know but who you know' principle, being hired only a week ago....you want to go run off for a week...right smack in the middle of fire season...and actually believe that your commander will be fine with this and your job will be waiting for you when you return???  It's no wonder some species eat their young!  His feel good logic is, that he will have a huge paycheck after this past week so he can afford it. 

We can only hope that reality and common sense will outweigh his impulsive act on emotions.  I mean, it is sad that he will miss his cousins graduation, I will give him that.  I just hope he realizes that if he blows his ride, there won't be a second chance for him.  They won't just overlook this seasons debacle and invite him back next year!  I guess we were all knuckle heads at one point in our lives, and granted that some of us are still a bit knuckle headed at times, but some of this just seems to me like he is not in touch with reality.  Save the money and go down in the fall when the season winds down and they let you go for the winter.

Will we allow him to make this potential error in judgment? 

He is almost 21.  We can only say what we feel to give him some food for thought, and it is ultimately up to him what he does.  Frankly, I know that it is not a good idea.  Right now is just the wrong time.  Take the money you would spend on an air fare and pay for your cousin to come up and stay with you for a week after he graduates!

On a lighter note, M and I where taking advantage of the beautiful day yesterday and cleaning up the yard and readying the lawns for their summer debut.  Even though it was a restricted burn day and we couldn't burn the debris pile, I did fire up the propane torch and was doing some of the weeds that grow up along the concrete pad boarders on the front patio.  Yes, I was being a scofflaw.  The hose was dawned and we are talking literally burning concrete...riiiight.  Problem occurred when dipshit me got a little too close to the dormant yellowed and dry lawn at the edge of the concrete pad.  Within a flash of a second, the dead grass ignited and began to spread at lightning speed.  I shit myself, cut the flamethrower off and jumped to the head of the small flames to try and stomp them out as I calmly and rather urgently called out to Maryann who was just yards away, "honey, honey, honey, honey, get the hose, get the hose, get the hose....".  She looked up and as well shit herself, because she couldn't figure out what in hell I was doing.  Was I on fire, or was I on top of the fire she thought while running to the hose just feet away.  Mind you, it was all very small scale since we are only talking about inch tall dead grass, and any fire wouldn't have been able to go too far with the walkway, driveway and gravel area bordering the affected area.  It just would have singed that section of my lawn that is trying to wake up and grow back after a long winter.  Nonetheless, it did make for a heightened moment, and my loving wife informing  me that I scare her sometimes.  Really!? lol  When I relayed my story to John later that night, he commented that, "This is the problem.  People, like in my situation, fail to call 911, they just try to put it out themselves and it gets out of control."  Talk about feeling a moment of pride for how you raised him and where he is in life, coupled with embarrassment from being lectured by your son, for a change, instead of being the one lecturing!! 

We'll see!  In the mean time, we will be having a guest living with us this summer and we are a bit excited about it!  Stand by as the story continues in the next post, which I promise won't be weeks away. 

Wintertime has all began to run.

I still continue to say that no matter how much we love to get away there is really no place better than to be home, here in Alaska.  It is a completely different world outside than it is here! Somehow we managed to totally miss the beginning and what I think is often the worst stages of 'break up'.  Most of the snow is melted away now, although at our place it seems to be sticking around far too long for my desire.  Yes, an avid lover of the snow says this?!  Let me tell you, the sun is out, the temps are up to 45 by day and it is getting light out around 6:00AM with darkness shrouding around 10:00PM....it is hard not to have the fever!  Hibernation is over, the snow had it's day and it is time to do what Alaskans do; work your ass off by day and play through the night!  Seem unthinkable?

It was just yesterday that Maryann coaxed me into going out to enjoy the beautiful day we were having.  As described above, it was fabulous and felt really good to get outside.  We pulled out the bikes and decided to do some riding between Kenai and Soldotna.  Just before we pulled away in Kenai, I decided to change out of the light over shirt I had on and put on my heavier hoodie.  That would be about the single best decisison I would make this day!  I figured it was only going to be a little jaunt around town and with it so nice out who needs to bundle up?  It turned into a ride to the end of town, which continued on.  About the time we hit the flats just outside of Kenai, I, in particular, realized how much the breeze was kicking up off of the bay, funneling up through the flats and making me wish I had dressed a little warmer for the ride.  Frozen, I continued to rough it out and frankly if I hadn't decided about 4 miles into the trek to pull the plug and head back, we would have gone all the way into Soldotna, I am sure of it.  The woman has become relentless in her pursuit of exercise!

My wish is simple really; sunshine 6 days a week with one day of rain each week so we don't have to water the lawns or wildflowers!  It's not asking much.  The lake is still frozen although it is to the point that it would be foolish to walk on the ice.  Most of the snow is melted off everywhere else and the ground is thawing pretty good now.  It is like walking through a swamp in most places that aren't covered with snow.  You step....sink...here a sloppy 'fart' sound emitted from both sides of your sinking boot, with water squirting out like a pissed clam...  This is break-up!  We are so ready for some spring and yearn for the summer.

When we arrived at the Anchorage airport a couple weeks back, we were pleasantly surprised to find that the seagulls have returned.  Although some people may say BFD, for us, it is a BFD!  It is just another sign of summer on it's way and anyone who has spent a summer in Alaska knows that a summer here is a very exciting and energetic time where nobody sleeps.  We live for summer!  Today we saw several squadrons of ducks in flight on their way to available water....which is lacking with lakes still frozen and thawing slowly.  And we can't forget the pregnant cows!  The female moose are about ready to start dropping their calves here soon.  Although we haven't heard of any incidents, the grizzly bears and black bears are coming out of hibernation now and it is a time to be very aware of where you are and what is around you.  It is the time of year that I like to keep the 454 Casull on my hip or chest when out and about.  Last year Maryann got herself some bear pepper spray.  She is not quit hip on pulling a 'Palin' and running amok with a 12 GA shotgun on her shoulder.  We were hiking up Exit glacier last spring and had a run in of sort.  If walking through patches of snow in sandles seems odd and enough to draw the attention of a curious tourist.....her bear spray turned some head.  She was approached by this guy who commented that she was crazy for walking through snow in her sandles.  He proceeds to ask her, "so, what's up with the fire extinguisher?"  Ok.  Obviously a clueless camper!  Oh by the way, did you notice the scat on the trail back there....dude?!


All in all we are ramped and ready for another good year.  Maryann has her vegetables and herbs germinating in her studio which doubles as a sun room, sprouting and shouting with utter glee.  With about a couple of cords of firewood left from winter, we are gearing up to start hauling up the beetle kill and dead fall from winter and start that sacred stache of heat source.  That comes out to about 10 cords of wood we have burned since late August.  Fortunately, as of now, we are able to burn in the morning for a couple of hours and then again at night for a few hours before bed to keep the house adequately heated which suits me.  I would really like to be able to conserve that last 2 cords.  As of June 13th, it will be officially 4 years since we landed.  Will there be any kind of celebration or hootin annie?  Most likely not.  But it is another notch in the belt, and the beginning of year 5 which is looking to be the best year as of yet!  It was the biggest move we ever made and the best decision we ever calculated.  We love it here!

Beating The System: Avoiding the frisk!

Today upon arriving at the San Francisco International Airport for our flight back home, I came face to face with my utter dread for the past 6 months.  The Full Body Scan machine!  Ominously it stood above all of the other old school metal detectors.  As I casually watched the line, as to not draw suspicion to myself, people would just walk right in, throw up their hands as if they were being showered down in a pre-incarceration process, and in seconds were on their way again.  Folks, the whole thing is just wrong!  You can try to argue the point that it is for the safety of all passengers, but I don’t buy it.  For starters, it was just days before we flew out of Alaska, a couple of weeks back, that a solitary Air Traffic Controller was left in the tower somewhere in the lower 48, by himself in the middle of the night, and fell asleep!  WTF??!!  And we are worried about terrorism?!  Pilots with long hours and no rest, airline customers who are so fed up with being treated like less than the ‘paying customers’ that they are supposed to be.  I am more worried about ‘air rage’ or mutiny in that case.

I carefully studied the system that TSA had in place this day.  The answer was simple!  Wait, lets go back….  Before we even arrived at the airport, Maryann and I discussed what we were going to go for….the ‘cop a feel’ pat down or the scan.  If they say that the scan is harmless to us…to me, that is a red flag that they have no idea.  Forget about the privacy issue!  I made a conscious decision that I was going to let some poor unsuspecting TSA operative feel me up and just plain screw with him.  But this would not be necessary on this day.  I detected a simple flaw in their system.  There were so many people flooding into security today that it was difficult for the seemingly confused TSA operatives to keep on top of all that was going on.  I detected a  leak in the main line going into the screening area.  The stanchion’s were down where the two incoming lines merged and then split back into 6 or 7 lines through the screening area.  I mean, not down for like a second or so, they were just down….period!  So, I chose the split in the line that took me away from body scanner line.  Instead, I was able to move myself and Maryann conveniently over to any one of the points away from the body scanner with nobody on watch to tell me different!

Now, as you would figure, I, had absolutely nothing to hide other than my boys which I chose not to share with TSA.  But what bothers me is that anyone who was lucky enough to be there today, who did have something to hide, would have been able to avoid the body scanner at their own leisure.  This can’t be the only time this kind of thing has happened…believe me, I‘m not that lucky.  It was an enlightening experience, and I felt achieved that I was able to avoid what I feel to be an utter invasion to my constitutional right to privacy! 

Other than that, our flight out of SFO was delayed by 40 minutes because like half of the passengers were apparently held up at Security.  More than likely TSA had figured out by now that all of the lines through screening were crammed….all but the scanner line….do ya think?!  So, we, the boarded ones, waited and as a result were late to our connecting flight in Seattle, to Alaska!  When I brought up my concerns to the flight attendant about the possibility of missing our connecting flight now as a result this, she replied, “oh, no worries!”  “Just talk to a gate agent (who we civilians refer to as “Gate Nazi’s”) and they will hook you up“.  Huh?  Hook us up with what?  I mean, if we miss the flight, what are we going to hook up with??  Politely, as to not create a stir like I did last time I flew, with my tainted comments, I pressed her a little…you know, laid out a couple of options, like; Make an announcement when we land that the passengers who are about to miss their connecting flight need to be allowed off first.  Or, at very least find out the time the plane will land  and at what gate so we can figure out our route before we get off the plane this way we can just bolt in the right direction.  Something….anything, but the damned ‘hook up’!

As it rode out, her final answer to our dilemma was to not worry, the plane would land at the gate at 9:30A, the boarding for the connection is starting at 9:30A and we would have plenty of time…..  Really?!  No potty stop, no food, no nothing.  Just bolt.  When we arrived at the gate, the plane was about loaded and we fumbled our way in on time to get into our seats for the earlier than expected departure.  Yup, just like the nice flight attendant stated, there really was no need to worry!  That’s nice….

Other than that the overall experience was typical.  Cramped quarters, corralled like cattle, kind smiling attendants that would snarl at you every chance they had.   Or, I love this one, “Good morning sir” all bright eyed and bushy tailed.  Only to totally diss you when you return the kindness with a smile and “How are you today”, back to them.  Believe me, if there was an easier way to do it, I would skip flying in a happy heartbeat.  I guess maybe I just expect way too much common decency and standard customer service for the money I’m being fleeced of to fly.  That and all of the unnecessary elbows to ass, and body contact sitting in the isle seat freaks me out!  Actually though, I do deserve this one as I choose the aisle seats.  Unnecessary contact is far better than doing ‘the sardine’ stuffed between  two people or ground into the corner of the window for 3 hours. 

We are looking forward to getting back home though.  It was a trip, man.  We accomplished much relaxation and fun times.  But despite it all, there truly is no place like home!

A Blank Canvas

This is what I have been staring at for the past ½ hour now….a blank canvas.  Not literally a canvas, but to a writer starring at a blank computer screen…..it’s damned near the same thing!  I am sitting here, encompassed by complete and natural peace.  With the vast expanse of the ocean before me, it’s creatures and life all in unison to the ebb and flow, one would think it is the perfect place to write.  Yet, here I sit, completely dumfounded with a hint of awe, and a blank computer screen. 

Well, I suppose at this point it isn’t blank anymore!  I mean, we do have this much to read.  As an incoming seagull nearly crapped on my head….how is it that they are like cruise missiles in that sense…I hear a buoy dinging out in the water maybe a good mile or more out.  Have you ever noticed that it is so hard to judge distance when you are on land, peering out into the sea?  I suppose the buoy reminds me somewhat of the shifting tide of life itself.  How when life seems calm and uneventful, the buoy remains still and serves only as a silent and visual reminder of it’s purpose.  Then there are the times when even the slightest shift in the sea can cause it to sound off.

 Like a sentry, it stands the sometimes brutal and harsh waters to warn those within it’s earshot that attention need be paid.  It seems to me somewhat symbolic of life itself.  During times of calm our souls, the center of our selves remain in harmony and balance.  Then out of the blue, a rift in this balance can become overwhelming and thrust that harmony, that peace into utter disarray.  Like all good storms thrown at the buoy in the ocean, this too shall pass.  But not without the memory of it’s wounds.  The affliction and regardless assault on your spirit….on your being.  All of a sudden my canvas isn’t so much blank anymore! 

Upon it lies the moments thought, a pondering glimpse, much like the sea itself, into the uncharted questions of life.  But then again, this is foolishness.  Of course these waters are charted.  There is a damned buoy bobbing about!  Someone charted, someone felt the compelled urgency to warn, and someone was rehearsed enough in troubled waters and it’s co-existence with potential disaster amidst a storm to plop a buoy, right there, into the water.  No, this is by no means the first time….this is no pioneering experience.  Many others and many more have been here…..have navigated this rough channel of the sea.  Once again, at times it seems so serene and calm while others it will be a challenge to ride out the waters.  I feel as if I have stumbled upon some great and time honored wisdom as a chorus of seagulls, gathered closely about, squawk with concur.  Or are they all getting ready to pull flight from their perch and pepper my head with….crap!  If you have never spent time on a beach, take note the next time you do that of all the open spaces for such to transpire, the seagull will almost certainly, always find your head. 

No longer is my canvas blank.  Rather it reflects the random thoughts and observations of the moment.  In this case, the moment is not the time at hand, but rather the culmination of moments leading up to this particular point of time.  Confused?  Don’t feel so left out.  If any of it made sense to me it would be a post rather than a well sentenced menagerie of garble.  But relax….not every writer knows what he wants to say all of the time.  Or, maybe he/she does know but fails the ability to convey it in words that make sense.  In my case, here, right now, I just put the words on the screen in an attempt to sort and search for the point, or a way to tie it all in.  I am not sure if I am just slightly challenged, or if other writers would agree, that the further along you proceed with a garbled approach to making sense, the less sense you make and the more difficult it becomes to follow yourself without straying, to the point of complete failure to hold the readers attention.

There has been a calling upon me.  One of which I have never experienced on such a profound and personal level.  It has brought forth feelings of which I am not sure how to deal with much less effectively express.  I came here today to tell a story, and I have failed.  It has been told me many times, that “you have to work through the problem”  No better  a way to direct confusion, than to try and find the block or obstacle which has created it and ‘work it through‘.  Not always the easiest task!  I had an epiphany once.  All of a sudden the answer to many questions came to light!  It was then that I was able to move on this moment and “work through” what troubled me.  The days and weeks that preceded that epiphany were of silence.  Silence of the heart.  Silence of the soul….silence of a very tired mind.  Through silence, I was able to hear the sound of, and discover the solution. 

For now, I have trouble hearing the voices, trouble returning the calls, indecision on which way to turn too now and how to place my energies….much less, what I will be doing tomorrow.  I am having trouble fulfilling the supposed needs of what everyone wants from me.  Like a good storm, “this too shall pass.”  Like the waves in the sea, there will be calm in the days to follow.  Direction will once again become unobscured.  This is not to say that all will fly in tight formation, and the symphony will chime.  This is just to say that once again, some sense and understanding will be found.  In the meantime, “I” am the very least of my concerns. 

It has been said many times throughout my life, that no matter what you think constitutes a level of difficulty, someone, somewhere is going through much worse.  Although this has always made sense to me and I find it the truth, I have trouble drawing the perimeter of ‘what is worse’ in comparison to ‘what’.  What is trouble to one may be grape jelly to another.  Where one finds death to be the end of the world, another could look upon it as a saving grace.  I have always had a problem finding clarity with pain and suffering.  Some find pain and will suffer from a fallen body while another will find pain and suffer from a broken heart.  Which is worse?  It pains me to see either.  So much especially when one has to do with the other.

Yes, this trip has been clouded by some rough reality and somber emotion.  Shock is a better term.  It has left us dumbfounded and lacking a fair understanding.  It has been a swift reminder that life changes in a heartbeat and all you knew one day becomes a distant faded flash into yesterday.  It has brought awareness to this journey and appreciation for all we have shared in life and all which we hold.  My canvas has been filled.  Much like the rendering of an artists painting, it is simply the perception of  a vision or in this case presence of mind and thought.  Some will see this perception with clarity, will relate to the speak and strokes of the brush.  Still others may tilt their head in an attempt to understand.  In the end, it will be seen for what it is.  One thing though, and this is true, that if you view the work of another, you have taken a fleeting glimpse into their reality.   You have seen a brief moment in time, through their eyes.

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